Archive for the ‘weird life’ Category

Guilty – even with no crime

February 21, 2007

Hi Grit

I thought that we in the UK were the one who had to be concerned about being guilty until we can prove ourselves innocent, but it seems from a report I read today that your lawyers and justice departments are taking this theory to the next level, that being guilty even if no crime has been committed.

The case concerns one of your actors, Daniel Baldwin. It seems that he was given the keys to a friends car by a relative who omitted to tell the friend. Mr Smith, unaware the care had been borrowed, reported it stolen and Baldwin was subsequently arrested and bailed. According to Mr Baldwin’s lawyer, Mr Smith will vouch that it was all a mistake.

However, the reason I was surprised about this case is that when everyone turned up in court, Mr Smith included, they all expected the matter to be dealt with and dismissed. This did not happen. Despite Mr Smith willing to testify the district attorney was not prepared to dismiss the case. Am I a little behind the times here or what? If there is no case to answer, what purpose is being served in the district attorney refusing it to be settled? Thus, at this time, the DA is pressing ahead with the charges against Mr Baldwin for a crime that he could not possibly have committed because their was no crime to answer in the first place! This procedure is even tougher than ours in the UK, and I would not have thought that possible.

Mind you, it could be worse, he could get sent to prison yet for a crime he did not commit because no crime too place to begin with, if you understand my logic.

the Brit 

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Britney even balder!

February 17, 2007

Hi Brit,

What a thing to wake up to, Britney, in the few hours that I don’t have the news on, has rehabbed and shaved her head.  So much for needing that second cup of coffee.  Assuming that her naughty bits are still hairless, this leaves her with only eyebrows to prove she is a mammal.  Unless those are painted on, in which case, I refer you to my post speculating on her being a space alien.

the Grit

Polish invasion of England complete

February 16, 2007

Help, I need an exit boat! You will recall from past posts Grit that England is experiencing high levels of immigration, particularly from the former eastern European states. It appears from an article in one of today’s newspapers, that it has now become a total takeover. A local council in the Midlands has been surrendered to the Polish people and no doubt other areas of the country will quickly follow.

You may wonder what is causing me such concern. The answer can be found here. The council in question has put up local diversion signs – in Polish. Despite the fact that it is rumoured that the local Polish population is only 6%, there is obviously something the council officers know that we don’t. Similarly, although officers at central government state the signs are illegal, is this just a ploy to lull us into a false sense of security?

I will be watching developments.

the Brit

PS: Jeśli otóż Polski słowa ukazywać się w mój poczty, you will know that I have have been captured.

Danielle Lloyd gets her teddy back

February 16, 2007

Hi Grit

I noticed today that one of the alleged “bullies and racists” from the big brother house seems to be getting her life back together. Danielle Lloyd, the 23 year old model, got a surprise Valentine’s gift with the return of her Teddy (the footballer that is). She was seen out in the back seats of a movie with him on valentine night, indulging in what all young love couples do in such a location, which is not watching the film!

Knowing how partial young women are to having an old teddy to cuddle in bed, I bet this has made Danielle’s nights far more comfortable and cuddly.

the Brit

Britney and the church

February 14, 2007

No this is not a story about Britney being converted to religion. It is actually a plea from a celebrity Rabbi.  The rabbi has suggested that the current and recent antics of Britney, which have been spashed across the papers, may have a detrimental effect on her children in the future. He is pleading with her to mend her ways and consider the fact that she is now a parent and should act responsibly.

the Brit

Nudity and Penis lead to fines

February 10, 2007

Hi Grit

I was wandering through the weekend news when I noticed two unusual items. The first of these involved a university student in Cambridge (UK). As you know we have recently had a lot snow. Thus, this particular student thought it would be appropriate to build a snow sculpture on one of the university lawns. However, instead of creating a suitable work of art, such as a snowman or igloo, the student plumped for a more original work, a penis. He was apprehended by police and given a fixed penalty for causing a public offence. I think this was a bit harsh bearing in mind that the structure would melt, therefore it can hardly be classed as fixed. No doubt he was trying to melt the ladies hearts.

The other story, which can be seen to be linked with the first, concerns a New York man who has been accused of riding nude in a ski-lift gondola and indecent activity. The man’s excuse was that the weather was too warm for clothing.

It is a weird world.

the Brit

Kylie, hotpants, Shilpa and culture

February 10, 2007

Hi Grit

Don’t you think it amazing the way that modern celebrities are breaking down the culture structure of our society. Only a few years ago in the UK popstars, film actors and other celebs were percieved to be not worthy of the attention of the establishment. Now they cannot seem to get enough of them.

First we have Kylie’s stage costumes, including the famous gold hot pants, being exhibited in the very staid Victoria and Albert Museum. before they go on a nationwide tour. The exhibition was opened by Kylie herself with all the pomp and ceremony that such an occasion usually attracts at the V&A. One writer even suggested that the gathered important people even bowed when introduced to the star.

In the next breath we learn that Shilpa, of Big Brother fame, has been asked to appear on “Question Time.” Question time is a BBC debate programme that deals with political and social issues of the times. It usually consists of a panel of people from both sides of the political divide together with business interests.

How times have changed

the Brit

Paris Hilton and Michael Jackson

February 9, 2007

Hi Grit

Well the British have a view on just about anything. Recently, one of our tabloid newspapers asked their readers which celebrities they considered would make the wierdest couple. Bearing in mind all of the weird UK celebrities that we have, you would have thought that two of these would have topped the list. However, this was not the case.

The popular opinion, based mainly on their plastic looks, was that Paris Hilton and Michael Jackson would be the most unusual coupling between celebrities. Methinks it did not take a high level of intelligence to work that out!

the Brit

US President candidates

February 8, 2007

Hi Grit

As politics is slow in the UK today, due to snow getting into the brains of our Members of Parliament and freezing their brains (which might be seen as a welcome reflief), I thought I would take a web stroll through the US news on presidential canidates for 2008 on the grounds that this would be a less slippery place to be. However I am not sure that I achieved this.

I first came across some news was about Barak Obama and Hilary Clinton. Obama is portrayed as a mixed race, ex-pot smoking, religious convert without a stain on his character who some consider will be the first non-white President, and says that his intention is to unite the Democrats and Republicans (Oh Really?). Clinton on the other hand is portrayed as an old campaginer, ex-first lady with stains only on her husband’s past (Clothes?), with the machine to be able to fund and stay the course. Some also consider that Al Gore, of Global Warming film fame, based on a report that has been proved to be in error in at least 25 different instances, could also come into the frame. Then there is Senator Joe Biden, who apparently is renowned for his ability to pose questions in a manner that no-one understands let alone knows how to answer, and Senator John Kerry who they see has as much chance of successfully telling a joke as I have of becoming pregnant.

And this is just part of the Democrat list. However, at this stage I became seriously depressed at the whole thing, so I phoned the Samaritans to ask them to send someone round to stop me from going outside, laying down on the lawn and waiting from the snow to cover my confused brain. The reason for my condition was the fact there was one major omission in all of the stories I have read. I intend, providing my brain can take it, to look at the Republican band tomorrow. But I do not hold any hope of finding anything more promising.

The missing link? ……………….. Politics. Not in one story that I read did the media give one single comment on the policies that any of these candidates support or are proposing.

Then, just as the Samaritan person was banging on the door, it occurred to me why politics was missing. The election is set for 2008. Four years from that is 2012. I guess that your political parties have decided that, as the world will end in 2012, they might as well treat the electorate to a comedy President for the final term. After all, who is going to give a damn?

the Brit   

Political correctness hits Mother’s day

February 8, 2007

Hi Grit

The crazy march of political correctness is continuing to gather pace in the UK as it bulldozes its way through every aspect of our lives. The current issue in line for PC demolition is Mother’s day celebrations. A headmaster in a school in Wales has banned the children from making Mothers day cards. Her reason is that 5% of the children have little or no regular contact with their birth mothers, or have suffered bereavement.

From my point of view this is another mad decision on two counts. Firstly, it is just another case of the minority beating the majority. Secondly, has it been considered that this small number of children might wish to make cards for the ladies that are now looking after them, be those step mothers or other carers.

Why is it that every good tradition in this country is being attacked by PC gangs?

the Brit

One more to add to the “exposed tart” list!

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

You seem to be correct in your theory that there is a knicker shortage.  What, I must wonder, is the origin of that word?  Anyway, Mischa Barton, who ever she is, has joined the Britney club, Mischa Barton shows off her butt in tights.  So, was there a health notice that I missed warning of the dangers of underwear? 

the Grit

I just have to point this out…

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

I suspect that, by now, you’ve seen some report on, Astronaut accused of attempted murder.  The only reason I bring this particular article to your attention is that it is posted under Reuters Science News.  Don’t you know the reporters on the science beat have been dancing with joy that they finally have an excuse to cover a juicy story full of sex and violence.  To them I say, enjoy it while you can; next week it’s back to writing about electrons and strange looking fish.

the Grit

It’s all starting to make too much sense!

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

In my continuing quest to understand and document the signs and portents leading to the end of the world in 2012, I have just discovered a clue which is making everything just a little too clear, Wal-Mart launches movie, TV download service.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love Wal*Mart; I shop there at least three times a week; A good many of the employees know me by name.  However, when I read this story I had a vision, a very real and clear vision, in which in December of 2012, Wal*Mart adds one more product line, their Super Stores reach critical mass, collapse into black holes and devour the Earth.  The scary part is that, the final Doomsday Product Line, is a series of Brit & Grit personal hygiene accessories.

the Grit

And I thought Muslims were touchy…

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

Brace yourself.  We may, just may, get the chance to follow events as a new addition is made to Politically Correct speech.  You probably recall that one of our Presidential Candidates, Senator Biden, complemented a fellow Candidate, Senator Obama, by saying he is articulate.  He also said he is clean, but we’re beyond that for the moment.  However, according to, The Racial Politics of Speaking Well, “articulate”, as said of a black person, may soon be on the Politically Correct Big List of Bad Words.  I’m not sure I completely follow the logic of the piece, but, it seems to make the case that calling one African-American articulate, implies that most aren’t well spoken and, thus, is a racial insult.  I can hardly wait to see how far this goes.  Who knows, in a few years we may not even be able to speak to or about a tenth of our population.

the Grit

Is there gayhab in Paris’ future?

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

Remember back when Isaiah Washington had that moment of homophobia?  Do you also recall that Paris Hilton committed a similar politically incorrect indiscretion?  Well, it seemed for a while that she was going to miss the storm of criticism that forced Isaiah into gayhab, but she’s not out of the woods just yet: Gay Leaders Urge Paris to Apologize.  Now she has GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) on her ass, demanding an apology.  Better do something fast, Paris, before your image is tarnished.

the Grit

It’s hard to get good help these days.

February 4, 2007

Hi Brit,

This should give you a chuckle, since it wasn’t your tax pounds going to waste, New Jersey City Pays Dead Man $130,000 a Year.  By the way, it’s worse than the title makes clear, the slow moving employee has been dead for over 30 years!  I told you Government work is a good cushy job.  It’s hard to beat 30 years of sick leave with automatic wage increases still taking effect.

the Grit

A Little humour

February 4, 2007

Hi Grit

I thought I would add a bit of humour here. However, I need to be politically correct, so have to refrain from linking this to a particular area.

There was a man who was told by the doctors that he only had two weeks to live. His response was “I’ll have one week in July and one in September.”

There was another man, who was confronted by a gunman. The gunman said “your money or your life.” The victim thought for a moment, then replied, “take my life. I am saving my money for my old age.”

Hmm. Sometimes I think the whole world is as crazy as this.

the Brit

A bit of advice to our Russian friends…

February 3, 2007

Hi Brit,

I ran across this, rather odd, news report, Russia says mysterious yellow snow not toxic, and felt compelled to offer up some advice I learned from the legendary musician, Frank Zappa:

Dreamed I was an Eskimo
Frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots and around my toes
The frost that bit the ground below
It was a hundred degrees below zero…

And my mama cried
And my mama cried
Nanook, a-no-no
Nanook, a-no-no
Don’t be a naughty Eskimo
Save your money, don’t go to the show

Well I turned around and I said Oh, oh Oh
Well I turned around and I said Oh, oh Oh
Well I turned around and I said Ho, Ho
And the northern lights commenced to glow
And she said, with a tear in her eye
Watch out where the huskies go, and don’t you eat that yellow snow
Watch out where the huskies go, and don’t you eat that yellow snow

Stay safe our Russian friends.

the Grit

At least I am saner than this!

February 3, 2007

Hi Brit,

At times, I and, I hope, everyone else, have questions as to our own sanity.  In an effort to reassure myself, and others, as to our fundamental grip on reality and rationality, I offer this:

47 Tombstones Found in Dead Man’s Locker

OK, I know that this gives a new meaning to “grave robbing,” but it also give comfort to the rest of us that we aren’t, I hope, this short of a full deck.

the Grit

Speaking of Big Brother

February 3, 2007

Hi Brit,

I’m sure y’all have those automated cameras at intersections that take your picture and give you a ticket for running the light, all without the need for human attention.  Well, here’s proof that they don’t work as well as they should, NYC Ticket Says Man Ran Light in Rowboat.  What’s shocking about this incident is that, when the man questioned the ticket, it was dismissed.

Of course, not all police activity is automated, and some of it is high quality work by honest and  dedicated individuals.  Take this for instance, Wis. Police Chief Tickets Himself $235.  I think Chief Knoebel deserves a medal. 

Go Colts!

the Grit