Archive for the ‘unreliable news’ Category

The fix is in!

February 20, 2007

Hi Brit,

While I am not, generally speaking, a gambler, my usually unreliable source has given me the inside line on a sporting event:

“Read It’ll Be Trump vs. McMahon in Hairy Battle at Wrestlemania.  Considering that Donald Trump has been bald for years, and what some people assume to be hair on his head is actually a space alien, assigned to him by the Government to advise him in furthering the cause of the Military Industrial Complex, it is obvious that Trump will not loose his hair.  Actually, since Trump’s symbiont, known as “Curly,” is almost indestructible given our current state of technology, it would be very difficult to collect on the bet in any case.”

Well, that’s a load off my mind.  I’ve always wondered how someone why someone with that much money couldn’t do something with their hair.

the Grit

The Church of Britney

February 14, 2007

Hi Brit,

Funny you should bring up Britney Spears and church, since my usually unreliable source sent me this at lunch:

“There is a new movement, based only on Internet contact, that is seriously disturbing the Powers That Be in many countries, The Church of Holy Britney.  This semi-religious movement is based upon interpreting her song lyrics and public activity in a prophetic light.  Some of the conclusions of the nameless high priests of this “Church” are considered by those in charge to be dangerously subversive and/or a potential danger to the general public.  For instance, the line, “Hit me baby one more time,” has been interpreted as meaning that the US and France, which have each had one revolution, are due another.  Since contact over the Internet is so anonymous, the only ready method of identifying members of this rapidly growing cult is by their act of devotion, as expressed by not wearing underwear.  It is not known at this time if Britney is involved in this, or even knows of its existence.”

Well, I know I’m going to be looking at the other people in the checkout line differently from now on.

the Grit

Paris Hilton and Michael Jackson

February 9, 2007

Hi Grit

Well the British have a view on just about anything. Recently, one of our tabloid newspapers asked their readers which celebrities they considered would make the wierdest couple. Bearing in mind all of the weird UK celebrities that we have, you would have thought that two of these would have topped the list. However, this was not the case.

The popular opinion, based mainly on their plastic looks, was that Paris Hilton and Michael Jackson would be the most unusual coupling between celebrities. Methinks it did not take a high level of intelligence to work that out!

the Brit

Get the taboggan out – snow is coming!

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit

The met office in the UK has issued a weather warning for tomorrow (Wednesday), saying that there is likely to be up to 6 inches snow in some areas tomorrow, which is likely to disrupt just about everything.

As we have had the occasional spurts of weather like this during the past three decades or so of my life, if not longer, I fail to see why suddenly it is becoming such a big issue. Of course it is a natural excuse for railways to use to explain erratic services; highway rush hour jams and millions of people to take the day off work, but what’s new?

It seems to me that the media is again using “drama speeches” to help support their “Global Warming” circus.

the Brit

Are you over there crazy?

January 31, 2007

Hi Grit

My apologies Grit but methinks that some of you over there are having sanity problems. No! this time it is not the politicians. Whilst flicking through the news today I came across a strange piece about a funeral parlour in Madison.

It appears that the gentleman in question has filled his waiting room with stuffed animals – for the kids he says. The idea is to stop them crying. Well, excuse me, but if a child walks into a funeral parlour upset about the loss of someone close, I fail to see how spotting a stuffed squirrel, especially if they come from the country, is going to make them feel any better. Surely the reverse will be the case?

Can you imagine what the animal rights people will make of this.

the Brit

End of world preparations continue some more.

January 21, 2007

Hi Brit,

My usually unreliable source had this waiting for me this morning,

James Brown’s body moved, no word where.  Obviously, if you’re taking Elvis to the secret moon base, why leave James Brown behind.  It’s starting to look like the end of the world may be a real party.”

Rock on James!

the Grit

Sting in Cuba, but why?

January 20, 2007

Hi Brit,

You may have noticed in the news that Sting, the singer, is taking a trip to Cuba, STING HONES HIS SALSA TECHNIQUE ON A VISIT TO CUBA, and, like any rational person, asked yourself, why?  Well, my usually unreliable source sent me this by way of explanation:

“As you should know, Castro’s health is finally failing after months of bombardment from a secret new CIA satellite weapon.  However, as the Company’s black project weapons have out paced their intelligence collection capabilities, verification of Castro’s health requires infiltration of a human agent, or a semblance thereof.  Sting VI, the one in Cuba, is the latest in android technology, developed over the years by various Government agencies for use as surveillance and assignation agents in situations too dangerous for human employees.  The “Sting” cover has been propped up by the Agency over the years at the inflated cost of $324 million, necessary due to some programing and manufacturing errors which made the original model unfit to meet the criteria for its role as an entertainer without significant bribes being spread around.  The only question remaining is whether “Sting” will be given the order to terminate Castro if the space based weapon is not working fast enough.”

Well, it’s about time they unleashed the killer robots.

the Grit

Catching up with the Brits

January 16, 2007

Hi Brit,

Now that we have liberals in charge again, it looks like we’re going to start catching up in the race to take away personal liberty.  Kucinich: Congress To Take On FCC  The key bit in this story is the return of the Fairness Doctrine, which was a law requiring programs broadcast over the public airwaves to present both sides of an issue.  Of course, in practice, it never worked and was mostly used as a tool for Democrats to shut down radio programs which favored the conservative view of an issue.  It’s main effect was for most stations to remove political debate from their content, so as to avoid trouble with the Government. 

While I’m at it, let’s take a look at Representative Kucinich (D-OH),

dennis_kucinich.jpg

who just happens to be running, yet again, for President on a platform designed to win the Hobbit vote, as well as that of overly liberal humans.  I’ve heard rumors that, in the unlikely event of his 2008 victory, he is planning to cover the White House with a mound of dirt so he will feel more at home.

the Grit

Factoids – News

January 11, 2007

Hi Grit

Just to prove that the world is a place gone mad, I thought I would share these weird facts with you.

1) Smoking ban – as we have feared in the UK there are moves to ban people smoking in their own home. A couple in Wales have received a letter from their council stating they are being investigated after a neighbour complained about the smell of their smoking. It could lead to a smoking ban on their own house. Guess we need to find odour-free ciggies.

2) Tongue licking good – If you want to send someone a memory of chinese food you need to buy a stamp. In China they have just produced stamps, which when you lick them, taste of sweet and sour pork. If this is the case, I am surprised that our postal service has not got round to selling curry stamps!

3) A flush of excitement – In a UK town called Salisbury, a thief has just handed himself in to the police. His crime? He stole a pub urinal. No doubt he found it to be a load of C**p.

4) Bra the bullet – Over there recently a lady of 45 was saved from serious injury when her bra deflected a bullet. Strangely enough it was a 45 calibre bullet as well. However, my complaint is about equality. Why should it only be the ladies that have this protection?

the Brit 

Wait until the cows come home

January 10, 2007

Hi Brit,

I just herd from my usually unreliable source.  It seems that another plot is ahoof.

Clone farming has arrived  Without going into the background of secret DOD (Department of Defense) cloning techniques, I felt compelled to tell you about the danger represented in this story.  You might note that the animals mentioned are “giant” cows.  This fact is at the heart of the Government’s plan.  Another fact you should be informed of is that, in a hidden biological warfare lab disguised as a cheese factory in Vermont, a genetically engineered variety of mad cow disease is being stockpiled.  Thus, once these giant cows are common around the world, a simple aerosol spray can be used by agents to cause the bovine behemoths to rampage through the country side causing widespread damage and disruption to our enemies while we maintain plausible denyability.”

Oh, just think about the problems caused by the giant cow pies scattered everywhere!

the Grit

Happy birthday to the King

January 8, 2007

Hi Brit,

As I’m sure everyone knows, Elvis was born on this day back in 1935.  I suspect this anniversary is what provoked my usually unreliable source to send me this:

 elnix.gif

“This photograph documents the first meeting between President Nixon and Elvis.  However, it is not going to be the last time the two will meet.  The bodies of each were quick frozen immediately upon their deaths and the corpses will be among the cargo shipped to the secret polar moon base.  The plan is to clone them and, using secret military technology, copy their memories into their new brains.  Nixon is being included because some of The Powers That Be suspect he still has deep cover operatives in their organization who will sabotage the escape project if the ex-president isn’t included.  Elvis is going because, well why not.”

I must say, I hope at least part of this is true.

the Grit

Chaney and Poulson in trouble – corruption?

January 6, 2007

Hey Grit

I have just been sent some news from a source that apparently there is a media gag on.  It refers to your politicians Paulson and Cheney being SUBPOENAED BY TRIBUNAL. Well, I don’t know about the governments and Pelosi wanting a clean environment and ethical politics, but it seems that there is one heck of a lot of sweeping to be done.

The French are in it again.

December 31, 2006

Hi Brit,

This story, French space agency to publish UFO archive online, seems to be a confluence of different bits of weirdness. 

Obviously, it’s a sign of the end of the world.  First, just the fact that France has a space agency is enough to make me start work on an underground shelter.  Second, that the French, who have been blind to the truth about so many things, are now starting to believe in UFOs is, to say the least, scary.

On the other hand, I got the link to that story from my usually unreliable source, along with an explanation of UFO stuff.

“It’s long been known to all major governments of the world that so called UFOs actually are space craft driven by visitors from another star system.  The problem is that the little alien twits can only process communications at very slow rates.  Thus, we have been talking to them for 60 years and are just now getting past ‘Hi.  How are you.  I’m doing fine, thanks for asking.’

Communication with the alien snails can only be accomplished through low frequency radio signals, which transmit information slowly.  That is the connection to the French, as the Eiffel Tower was originally built as a low frequency antenna.  It was replaced in the 60s with the ELF Grid (Extremely Low Frequency) under the pretext of maintaining communications with our nuclear submarines while they were submerged.”

I suspect he/she/it may have started celebrating New Years early, but then again …

the Grit

Israel’s nuclear weapons, long gone

December 17, 2006

Hi Brit,

I guess it’s something to do with the time of year, but my usually unreliable source is almost impossible to shut up.  At least this time, I know what set him, her, it off.

FM spokesman asks Int’l organizations to investigate Israel’s nuclear issue

Along with a link to the article I got:

“There are two things concerning this news item you should be aware of.  The first, and least important, is that Israel no longer maintains a nuclear arsenal.  Between the years of 2001 and 2003, they switched their deterrent capability to satellite based death rays and giant killer robots.  The activation of these devastating weapons of war is even automated, so that no one needs to work on Holy days.

The most important secret information behind this story is that this person,

mohammad-ali-hosseini.jpg

who is Iran’s Foreign Ministry spokesman, is a genetic experiment, produced in a secret CIA lab on the outskirts of Cleveland and force grown to maturity in a matter of months.  It was an attempt to produce the perfect agent to infiltrate Islamic society, by combining the DNA of this Iran’s President,

mahmoud_ahmadinejad_wideweb__470×3640.jpg

with the genetic material of Donald Trump.
donald.jpg

The hope was that the combination of political zeal and business instincts would rapidly bring the crossbreed to power, and lead to capitalist reforms.  Results to date have been mixed, mostly being Iran’s attempts to sell weapons technology to the highest bidder. ”

I’ve got to admit that there is some resemblance.  Scary.

the Grit

UN corrupts Miss USA!

December 15, 2006

Hi Brit,

According to my usually unreliable source, there is a UN plot afoot to discredit Miss USA. 

“As I’m sure you know by now, the current Miss USA, Tara Conner, has gotten into a bit of trouble, supposedly for behaving badly in New York City nightclubs.  However, I must tell you that behind this is a plot by several leading members of the UN to strike back at Donal Trump, after he called public attention to their corruption (and stupidity) recently, by pointing out how many hundreds of millions of dollars they were waisting on fixing up their clubhouse.  Who else could arrange to corrupt such a lovely and innocent girl, in New York?  Who else wouldn’t fear the repercussions of getting caught, except those with diplomatic immunity?  Who else has a score to settle with the Donald?  All the evidence is there for those who dare to look.”

Well, that’s a bit hard to swallow.  However, considering how I feel about the UN, I’m willing to keep an open mind.

the Grit

Bush unleashes solar flare to disrupt Democrat communications

December 14, 2006

Hi Brit,

I was just watching a bit on the news about a solar flare rushing toward the Earth.  It’s expected to disrupt satellite communication, cell phones, and, possibly, even damage the power grid.  While this is bad enough, my usually unreliable source contacted me, even before the news item was finished, with this information:

“The solar flare in question has been caused by the Air Force acting on direct orders of the President.  They used a secret weapon, know as HARP, to cause the sun to spit on us, and are currently using the same device to aim the spear of hot gas at Washington, DC.  The reason for this action is to disable electronic communications in the area so that Democratic Party leaders won’t be able to plan for the eventuality of loosing control of the Senate if and when Senator Johnson can’t serve out his term and is replaced with a Republican.  Since Johnson was disabled by the CIA using a telepathically aimed microwave beam, as directed by Big Oil, Bush felt it was imperative to take this action.  As a cover story in the event this leaks to the press, it will be blamed on a rogue officer who wanted to give Speaker Pelosi a bad hair day.”

Well, I guess we’ll need to wait and see on this one.

Good luck, Senator Johnson.

the Grit

Britney Spears – space alien

December 10, 2006

Hi Brit,

My usually unreliable source has slipped me another unusual bit of news. 

“Britney Spears is not human.  Well, not completely human.  She is an alien-human hybrid resulting from genetic experiments conducted at a secret underwater base in Lake Superior.  Her public life has been completely directed by various nameless Government agencies to test her mind control powers.  While these abilities were undeniably potent early on, they have wained with age and rising hormone levels.  Due to the level of public scrutiny, she is unable to communicate directly with her handlers that she feels the test is over and wants to go home.  Thus, she is sending coded messages in the form of beaver flashing.”

Disturbingly enough, that does explain a lot of things.

the Grit

Santa in danger!

December 1, 2006

It seems my unreliable source has some time off for Christmas, because he/she/it is bending my ear.  Now, or so it is said, there is a terrorist plot against Santa Claus!

“It has come to the attention of the intelligence agencies of several nations that there is a concerted effort being organized by radical Muslim terrorists to shoot down Santa Claus, thus dealing a death blow to the Great Satan’s capitalist whore spawn.  Man portable anti-air rocket systems have been smuggled into at least a dozen “Christian” countries, and delivered into the sweaty hands of three man terrorist cells.  Their mission is to stake out a house with “good” children and a chimney, wait for the arrival of the jolly fat man, and blast him and his Satan spawned reindeer out of the sky.  Fortunately, it seems that finding homes with the prerequisite qualities is difficult.”

Sorry.  I’m too stunned by this unnews to comment.

the Grit

What’s Big Food up to now?

November 30, 2006

Hi Brit,

My usually unreliable source is in a talkative mood this week.  He/she/it just tipped me off to a plot by Big Food to force genetically modified food on all of us. 

“There is an unholy alliance between Big Agriculture and Big Grocery Stores to develop raw vegetables that are genetically modified to grow with a bar code naturally incorporated on their surface.  The financial advantages to this are so overwhelming that, once perfected, no computer dependent nation on the planet will be able to resist.  The only thing holding up initial distribution of these products is a lack of bar code scanners that can read the tiny markings on beans, berries, and other small items.  The second phase of this plot will be to do the same with fish and birds.  After that, chicken eggs will come out pre-coded.”

As is often the case, I find this difficult to believe.  However, Big Business has done strange things in the past; remember New Coke?

the Grit

Clinton Clone Conspiracy

November 29, 2006

It has come to my attention, from a normally unreliable source, that:

“Bill Clinton is being cloned.  Based on directives from the Inner Circle of the Bilderberg Group, genetic samples from the ex-President have been sent to a secret genetics lab in Cheyenne Mountain.  Numerous clones are  being created.  They will be raised in various secret training facilities around the world, where they will be brainwashed into perfect tools of the Powers That Be.  Upon reaching maturity they are to undergo plastic surgery to disguise their true nature.  The goal is to create super politicians that will assume key positions in all world governments, making control by the Bilderbergers easier to maintain.”

Could be I suppose.  Of course, since I’ve always suspected Clinton is a space alien, the lab boys could be in for a big surprise 😉

the Grit