Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Radiation and a big rock

February 22, 2007

Hi Brit,

Two of the most dangerous things in the universe are asteroids and radiation.  At the moment, the UN has just saved us from one, and has been asked to save from the other in the not too distant future.  I present you with two items of news:

U.N. watchdog unveils new symbol for radiation risk

U.N. urged to take action on asteroid threat

It appears that on 04/13/2036, a hunk of space rock, named Apophis, has a 1 in 45,000 chance of making a big mess of our lovely planet.  Of course, I don’t care as the end of the world is in 2012.  Still, if that prediction happens to be wrong, the Big A is worth doing something about.  Even though it’s pretty good odds in favor of a miss, looking into ways of rigging the game for our side seems reasonable.  However, as the other story tells, it took the UN 5 years to do this:

radiation-symbol1.jpg

This leads me to believe that, while the United Nations might be able to handle a severe case of hemorrhoids in 29 years, stopping an asteroid in that time frame may be a bit beyond their capabilities.

the Grit

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The fix is in!

February 20, 2007

Hi Brit,

While I am not, generally speaking, a gambler, my usually unreliable source has given me the inside line on a sporting event:

“Read It’ll Be Trump vs. McMahon in Hairy Battle at Wrestlemania.  Considering that Donald Trump has been bald for years, and what some people assume to be hair on his head is actually a space alien, assigned to him by the Government to advise him in furthering the cause of the Military Industrial Complex, it is obvious that Trump will not loose his hair.  Actually, since Trump’s symbiont, known as “Curly,” is almost indestructible given our current state of technology, it would be very difficult to collect on the bet in any case.”

Well, that’s a load off my mind.  I’ve always wondered how someone why someone with that much money couldn’t do something with their hair.

the Grit

Do you need a good laugh?

February 20, 2007

Hi Brit,

If you need a good laugh, take a look at To All The Dead Terrorists!  This should be reproduced in mass and disseminated up and down the Arab street.  Dang!

 the Grit

Conspiracy

February 19, 2007

Hi Grit

Sometimes I have this theory that the whole world is built on conspiracy because it seems that throughout the ages almost any major event, particularly a disaster or catastrophe, generates a plethora of conspiracy theories aimed at questioning the official versions of events.

Last night (18th February), I watched a programme on the BBC, which was about the conspiracy theories surrounding the events of 9/11. Whilst there might appear to be justification for some of the theories outlined, others to me were so bizarre as to be incomprehensible. To suggest that the twin towers fell as a result of demolition when there is clear visual evidence of planes flying into them, is sheer idiocy. Then, they add to this the (so-called) fact that the government destroyed a nearby building because it contained a CIA office which held evidence of this tragedy being a US government plot. Others were theorising that the passengers of flight 93 were abducted by government agents and that the plane did not crash. Yet more tried to suggest that the plot was known six months earlier, because a film was produced which had a similar story-line, only as is the case with films, that had a happier ending. I am actually surprised that no-one bought Tom Clancy into one of these mad theories, because in one of his books a passenger plane is flown into the White House, killing the President.

Of course, the US is not alone in this pursuit of conspiracy theories. Here in the UK, despite it being ten years ago, the conspiracy theories surrounding the death of the late Princess Diana still continue to flourish. These range from those who suggest that it was a government backed plot to kill the princess in order to avoid her marriage to a Middle-East family, which they felt might tarnish the Royal lineage, to those who believe that the Royal Family themselves were behind the accident.

Of course, conspiracies are not solely restricted to tragedies. One only has to look at the pro-global warming proponents conspiracy theories about denialists, or the “alien” theories surrounding crop circles, to see that whenever there is a major phenomena, the word “conspiracy” is one of the first to follow official explanations.

One has to wonder about the reasons and conditions that lead peoples minds to turn so readily towards conspiracy as an explanation. Whilst it is true that, particularly in politics on both sides of the Atlantic, there have been many political cover-ups and total lies, which make believing anything that comes out of a politician’s mouth difficult to believe, the vast majority of these are proven to be lies within months, if not sooner.

Perhaps it is the enormity and shock of these events that lead people to automatically question their occurance. In the two cases mentioned above, the events themselves were beyond the perception and belief of the ordinary member of the public. Such is the depth of the disbelief that it defies all reason and logic. Similarly, there is a lack of belief in a system or society structure that allows such events to occur and it affects the trust we have in that society. Thus, in order to fill the void of understanding and comprehension, perhaps we all look to ourselves to provide an explanation that is equally enormous and outrageous in its foundation.

Personally, I have my own conspiracy theory. I believe that there is a conspiracy between the conspiracy theorists to stop both lies and truth being believed.

the Brit

Britney even balder!

February 17, 2007

Hi Brit,

What a thing to wake up to, Britney, in the few hours that I don’t have the news on, has rehabbed and shaved her head.  So much for needing that second cup of coffee.  Assuming that her naughty bits are still hairless, this leaves her with only eyebrows to prove she is a mammal.  Unless those are painted on, in which case, I refer you to my post speculating on her being a space alien.

the Grit

Polish invasion of England complete

February 16, 2007

Help, I need an exit boat! You will recall from past posts Grit that England is experiencing high levels of immigration, particularly from the former eastern European states. It appears from an article in one of today’s newspapers, that it has now become a total takeover. A local council in the Midlands has been surrendered to the Polish people and no doubt other areas of the country will quickly follow.

You may wonder what is causing me such concern. The answer can be found here. The council in question has put up local diversion signs – in Polish. Despite the fact that it is rumoured that the local Polish population is only 6%, there is obviously something the council officers know that we don’t. Similarly, although officers at central government state the signs are illegal, is this just a ploy to lull us into a false sense of security?

I will be watching developments.

the Brit

PS: Jeśli otóż Polski słowa ukazywać się w mój poczty, you will know that I have have been captured.

At least she was wearing knickers…

February 15, 2007

Hi Brit,

Following up on, what would appear to be, our favorite subject, there is another tart to add to the exposed in public list.  This time it, Ashley Olsen shows off her underwear.  While she wasn’t actually flashing her naughty bits, it’s pretty close.  My theory is that she is going to open her own brand of lewd dance exercise studio, complete, of course, with exercise videos and a new wardrobe line.

the Grit

The Church of Britney

February 14, 2007

Hi Brit,

Funny you should bring up Britney Spears and church, since my usually unreliable source sent me this at lunch:

“There is a new movement, based only on Internet contact, that is seriously disturbing the Powers That Be in many countries, The Church of Holy Britney.  This semi-religious movement is based upon interpreting her song lyrics and public activity in a prophetic light.  Some of the conclusions of the nameless high priests of this “Church” are considered by those in charge to be dangerously subversive and/or a potential danger to the general public.  For instance, the line, “Hit me baby one more time,” has been interpreted as meaning that the US and France, which have each had one revolution, are due another.  Since contact over the Internet is so anonymous, the only ready method of identifying members of this rapidly growing cult is by their act of devotion, as expressed by not wearing underwear.  It is not known at this time if Britney is involved in this, or even knows of its existence.”

Well, I know I’m going to be looking at the other people in the checkout line differently from now on.

the Grit

How to be a successful Valentine – another survey

February 13, 2007

velentines-1.JPGHi Grit

Following fast on the heels of the sex survey mentioned earlier, we now have another one, this time relating to being a successful Valentine. With the big day arriving tomorrow, I thought it might be a good idea to take a look at this. However, this time they did interview 4,000 people, a significant improvement on the “sex” survey.

The results apparently prove that men judge women by beauty, but that in reality this means that they choose a lady who is fertile and has the right genes to pass on to their children. In addition, men choose youth because it means that there is more time left on the reproductive cycle. On the other hand women prefer men in the older range group, who they perceive as being futher along the road to success and more settled in their careers. Similarly, looks are more important from a man’s point of view than from a woman’s.

The two qualties that both sexes agree are important are a sense of humour and intelligence. Well, that’s a relief! However, the really surprising part of the survey is that it revealled that, on average women had experienced eight sexual partners and men eleven. (Where did they find these participants? Passion Alley?).

There was one significant omission from this survey as far as I could tell and that is “love!” And there was me thinking that Valentine’s was all about LOVE!

the Brit

China, space potatoes, and the end of the world.

February 13, 2007

Hi Brit,

How many old science fiction movies have you seen that start with something mutating due to space radiation, then eating a good deal of the Earth?  Well, in this case the Chinese are eating the mutants, space potatoes that is!  Purple and sweet, these other worldly spuds come from seeds that were zapped by radiation aboard a Chinese rocket ship.  Now the question is, when will the tater monsters turn on their glutinous masters?  2012, of course, as demonstrated by the fact that potatoes originated in South America, where the Mayans lived!

the Grit

British are ignorant on sex!

February 13, 2007

Hi Grit

The family planning association has recently undertaken a national “Sex Quiz” for British people and found that we are generally ignorant when it comes to sex facts. (I hasten to add that I was not asked to take part in this quiz!).

Results from the quiz revealed that 1 in 3 of Brits believe that rigorous exercise, a visit to the bathroom and/or washing will stop a lady getting pregnant; Half of the people responding (I assume this was the males), did not know when a lady was most fertile; And 90% haven’t a clue how long the sperm remains active inside a lady. The answer to the last question is one week. Thus bearing in mind that tomorrow is Valentine’s day, the love activity could produce a mini baby-boom by the 21st.

However, before we all over here start running around blaming the poor education systems for all of our sexual deficiencies, we should look further into the survey carried out. It transpires that the questions were only asked of a representative sample of 500 people. Bearing in mind our population of 60 million, I would hardly call 500 representative, nor would I say that it could be called a national quiz. In addition, something around 16% of the population are over 75 with a similar number over 65. What the heck do they care about the reproductive cycle?

It does annoy me when the Media respond to these type of reports by creating headline news, giving the impression that we are just a bunch of uneducated neanderthals (even if some of us are). 450 people don’t know how long a sperm is active? Take another bunch of 500 people and it is quite likely that the reverse would be the position. Probably more to the point is how many people know how much of their tax money was spent on this report in the first place?

the Brit

PS: for those who want to know the questions and answers click here.

Stupid liberals!

February 11, 2007

Hi Brit,

I was reading this, Hybrid-Only Car Service Launches in San Francisco, and it hit me as to just how stupid liberals are, as a general rule.  The key point in this is that, according to the story, the idea is to make rich people flying into Nanny Pelosi’s home town feel better by taking “green” transportation around town, after dumping untold tons of greenhouse gas into the atmosphere while flying in a fuel waisting jet.  Then I read the details, and was shocked.  Keep in mind that the article is tainted with the usual liberal bias, even though it does throw in a tiny hit about the jet travel thing, but it also includes, “with a fleet of leather-seated Priuses.”  I’m sure that the reporter, not knowing squat about Global Warming, didn’t think twice about this.  However, the secondary part of the Climate Change Conspiracy, the one that really gets the radical liberals frothing at the mouth over its potential for bringing about social change, is the implication of cow farts in heating up the globe.  That would, of course, be the methane content in the massive flatulence produced by our bovine food supply, which is an excuse for left wing groups to insist everyone turn vegetarian.  Thus the paradoxical nature of a “green” car with leather seats.  Oh, well, I am assuming that the leather was produced from cow hide and not Jews, but that is most likely a safe assumption.

the Grit

The Vault reveals another sign…

February 9, 2007

Hi Brit,

I hate to start the day with doomsday news, but this story, ‘Doomsday vault’ to resist global warming effects, has to be explored.  Making the assumption that the Norwegians aren’t completely insane, this effort is obviously preparation for the exodus prior to the end of the world in 2012.  Of course, these seeds are probably going to be Mars bound.  If you need proof of the connection, then consider this, “The entry to the vault, which will shoot out of the mountainside, will be a narrow triangular portal made of cement and steel, illuminated with artwork that changes according to the Arctic light.”  Compare that to the back of the Great Seal of the United States, designed by Free Masons.  Then, consider that the Vault contains two chambers connected by sloping tunnels, much like the Great Pyramid at Giza, built by the people who started the Free Masons.

the Grit

Tony Blair at home

February 9, 2007

Hi Grit

For those who don’t know a lot about Blair and his official home, here is a site that lets you take a tour around it. It will walk you through all of the rooms where important decisions are made and you can click on items of special interest to learn more. Unfortunately it does not allow you into his private accommodation.

Other interesting fact from this site include some interesting quotes from previous PM’s, dating back to the 1740’s, which our friend Tony might do well to refer to. For example:-

William Pitt the elder (1766-1788) “Unlimited power is apt to corrupt the minds of those who possess it.”

Henry Addington (1801-04) “In youth, the absence of pleasure is pain, in old age the absence of pain is pleasure.”

Sir Robert Peel (1841-46) “There seem to me to be very few facts, at least ascertainable facts, in politics.”

Marquis of Salisbury (1886-92). “English policy is to float lazily downstream, occasionally putting out a diplomatic boathook to avoid collisions.”

Arthur James Balfour (1902-1905) “I am more or less happy when being praised, not very comfortable when being abused, but I have moments of uneasiness when being explained.”

Andrew Bonar Law (1922-3) “If I am a great man, then a good many great men of history are frauds.”

Clement Richard Atlee (1945-51) “Often the experts make the worst possible ministers in their own fields. In this country we prefer rule by amateur.”

Sir Alec Douglas Hume (1963-64) “There are two problems in my life. The political ones are insoluble and the economic ones are incomprehensible.”

Interesting!

the Brit

US President candidates

February 8, 2007

Hi Grit

As politics is slow in the UK today, due to snow getting into the brains of our Members of Parliament and freezing their brains (which might be seen as a welcome reflief), I thought I would take a web stroll through the US news on presidential canidates for 2008 on the grounds that this would be a less slippery place to be. However I am not sure that I achieved this.

I first came across some news was about Barak Obama and Hilary Clinton. Obama is portrayed as a mixed race, ex-pot smoking, religious convert without a stain on his character who some consider will be the first non-white President, and says that his intention is to unite the Democrats and Republicans (Oh Really?). Clinton on the other hand is portrayed as an old campaginer, ex-first lady with stains only on her husband’s past (Clothes?), with the machine to be able to fund and stay the course. Some also consider that Al Gore, of Global Warming film fame, based on a report that has been proved to be in error in at least 25 different instances, could also come into the frame. Then there is Senator Joe Biden, who apparently is renowned for his ability to pose questions in a manner that no-one understands let alone knows how to answer, and Senator John Kerry who they see has as much chance of successfully telling a joke as I have of becoming pregnant.

And this is just part of the Democrat list. However, at this stage I became seriously depressed at the whole thing, so I phoned the Samaritans to ask them to send someone round to stop me from going outside, laying down on the lawn and waiting from the snow to cover my confused brain. The reason for my condition was the fact there was one major omission in all of the stories I have read. I intend, providing my brain can take it, to look at the Republican band tomorrow. But I do not hold any hope of finding anything more promising.

The missing link? ……………….. Politics. Not in one story that I read did the media give one single comment on the policies that any of these candidates support or are proposing.

Then, just as the Samaritan person was banging on the door, it occurred to me why politics was missing. The election is set for 2008. Four years from that is 2012. I guess that your political parties have decided that, as the world will end in 2012, they might as well treat the electorate to a comedy President for the final term. After all, who is going to give a damn?

the Brit   

No cover up here!

February 8, 2007

Hi Brit,

 photo14.jpg

I mentioned earlier that Paris Hilton needed to release another sex tape to take attention away from her recent bout of Politically Incorrectness.  Well, there is a new celebrity sex tape about to be released, although it only stars a friend of Paris, Vivid Acquires Kim Kardashian Sex Tape for $1 Million.  It seem, as usual, the tape was stolen and sold by a Third Party.  Even pop culture tarts of Hilton’s stature can’t sell such a thing, since that would make them actual whores instead of just sluts.  While Kim doesn’t look all that trashy in the above photo, she tramps up pretty good:

 ursulamayesfeb132cmlj7.jpg

The other amateur porn star in the flick is someone or something named Ray J.  My guess is that this is just a warm up for another Paris Porn Picture to get her back in the good standing with her Hollywood friends.  Of course, if celebrity sex tapes fall out of favor, will Kim and Paris be required to attend pornhab?

the Grit

One more to add to the “exposed tart” list!

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

You seem to be correct in your theory that there is a knicker shortage.  What, I must wonder, is the origin of that word?  Anyway, Mischa Barton, who ever she is, has joined the Britney club, Mischa Barton shows off her butt in tights.  So, was there a health notice that I missed warning of the dangers of underwear? 

the Grit

I just have to point this out…

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

I suspect that, by now, you’ve seen some report on, Astronaut accused of attempted murder.  The only reason I bring this particular article to your attention is that it is posted under Reuters Science News.  Don’t you know the reporters on the science beat have been dancing with joy that they finally have an excuse to cover a juicy story full of sex and violence.  To them I say, enjoy it while you can; next week it’s back to writing about electrons and strange looking fish.

the Grit

It’s all starting to make too much sense!

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

In my continuing quest to understand and document the signs and portents leading to the end of the world in 2012, I have just discovered a clue which is making everything just a little too clear, Wal-Mart launches movie, TV download service.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love Wal*Mart; I shop there at least three times a week; A good many of the employees know me by name.  However, when I read this story I had a vision, a very real and clear vision, in which in December of 2012, Wal*Mart adds one more product line, their Super Stores reach critical mass, collapse into black holes and devour the Earth.  The scary part is that, the final Doomsday Product Line, is a series of Brit & Grit personal hygiene accessories.

the Grit

And I thought Muslims were touchy…

February 6, 2007

Hi Brit,

Brace yourself.  We may, just may, get the chance to follow events as a new addition is made to Politically Correct speech.  You probably recall that one of our Presidential Candidates, Senator Biden, complemented a fellow Candidate, Senator Obama, by saying he is articulate.  He also said he is clean, but we’re beyond that for the moment.  However, according to, The Racial Politics of Speaking Well, “articulate”, as said of a black person, may soon be on the Politically Correct Big List of Bad Words.  I’m not sure I completely follow the logic of the piece, but, it seems to make the case that calling one African-American articulate, implies that most aren’t well spoken and, thus, is a racial insult.  I can hardly wait to see how far this goes.  Who knows, in a few years we may not even be able to speak to or about a tenth of our population.

the Grit